How To Clean Up After Jerking Off
Masturbating is amazing – it's costless, hurts nobody, and takes five minutes
Plus at the end y'all get to literally orgasm.
I wore this male person guiltlessness device for a fortnight so you don't have to
But alas, it is by no means a tidy affair.
Indeed, it gets pretty ropey fast.
And since the dawn of civilisation – when archaic man completed that first historic tug in the dim recesses of his cave – the called-for question of how to dispose of backlog seed has never satisfactorily been resolved.
To this day, opinion is divided. Do you cum in a Kleenex, or spaff in a sock?
Not to mention other myriad jizz receptacles we could name, like erstwhile towels or my shower drain.
So I decided in one case and for all to cutting through the confusion and definitively rank the best (and worst) ways of cleaning up after burping the worm.
Shall we cleft on?
15. All over a magazine
I know near of y'all groovy millennials out there will struggle to relate, but back in the days earlier unlimited free porn on your phone magazines were all we had.
Information technology wasn't so bad, really. You could share them with mates. The standard of photography was excellent, on the whole.
And because yous'd take to wiggle information technology to the same material over and over, you became far more than resourceful and creative.
Anyway, the joke about porn mags was e'er 'hurr durr, don't get the pages stuck together!'
Implying that ejaculating into a porn mag, sullying your most prized possession and ruining it forever for everybody else, was commonplace enough to exist a running gag.
Then if for whatever reason you lot're offline, spanking it in 'analogue' mode, don't besmirch the trade.
If nothing else, it's proper anti-social.
14. Hold it in your foreskin
Some pioneering freaks have figured out y'all can pinch your knobflap at the very last moment 'twixt pollex at forefinger, trapping your ejaculate in a makeshift skin pouch to plop open into a toilet bowl or sink.
Just picture that, reader.
Information technology certainly has the advantage of being cheap, and doesn't consume any resource.
Merely then, surely, hopping to the bathroom or (shudder) kitchen sink must take at least some of the shine off your post-orgasmic afterglow.
Hey, y'all practice yous, man.
13. Rubber
You might have heard this described every bit a 'posh due west*nk'; although quite why it's associated with the upper classes is beyond me.
I guess if you're so fancy y'all can tolerate the expense and arseache of buying condoms every fourth dimension you smoothen the spear then good for you – hell, perchance you have flunkies on call around the clock, set to nip to the 24-hour Shell garage the moment you feel frisky.
My main objection to this is eco-based – condoms go straight to landfill.
You monster.
12. Junk postal service/flyers
Since we're existence all eco-conscious, you know that stack of glossy chump fodder which naively assumes y'all're in a position to sell a holding, or bulk-buy Farmfoods scampi?
Perfect for scooping up your man muck in a sustainable fashion.
Fold her into a tight wedge afterwards, straight in the greenish bin, bish bash bosh.
You're welcome, mother earth.
11. Drinks tin
Couple of quick safety pointers re: this one.
Don't slash the tip of your quondam chap on the treacherous metal rim. You'll go precious trivial sympathy downwardly at A&Eastward.
Assuming you pull it off without mortality, it's crucial said tin can doesn't get mixed upwardly with other beverages still 'in circulation'.
Hither's a peachy tip from my sesh gremlin days: squeeze the offending can just enough to make it obvious which tinnie of Special Mash has ash/semen deposited within, only (crucially) don't shell so hard it tips over spilling nightmare fuel all over your dressing table.
10. Tissues
I know information technology's the most popular method.
I still think it'southward vile.
Information technology smells, dude.
And don't go me started on the trillions of invisible paper fibres that bail with your glistening glans.
If you disagree with me, I accept no choice but to assume you lot're a paid Kleenex stooge.
ix. Old plate of food
Alright, gross, whatever.
Probably don't do this on crockery if you cohabit.
But equally, don't give yourself a hard time most lazily spooging into that mean solar day-onetime polystyrene kebab wrapper nether the bed, even so flecked with ruby-red cabbage and congealed burgersauce.
That'south basically how Tracey Emin got rich.
8. Seagulling
Not that I condone this, certainly where other human beings are involved.
Just if yous can pull off the classic Silence Of The Lambs motion picture-of-the-wrist, turning a fresh scattering of seed into a projectile-style weapon launched toward some mode of improvised chamber target…
Well, you deserve at least a grim irksome-handclapping of recognition.
7. Spuzzjar
Definitely a mode more popular method than you think.
Our gent simply keeps a special lidded jar to hand, that he fills up gradually over time. Like a science experiement.
Sure, it's gross. It'due south westward*nking, after all.
6. Into the drain
Call me a slacker, or prude, but I've never been able to muster a great bargain of enthusiasm for the whole jacking-off-in-the-shower affair.
Yous're not giving self-love the condition it deserves, hunched over in the total judgemental glare of your girlfriend's prophylactic duck.
Lie down in a comfy room, put some nice music on, light a joss stick.
Or is romance truly expressionless?
5. Towel
Classic.
4. Rubbed into the carpet
Merely works on not-very-fancy carpet, that's already jizz-coloured (or roughly jizz-coloured).
I always justify this to myself past thinking near all those billions of microbes and tiny organisms that live in the carpet.
They'll make clean information technology up, i way or the other, and be eternally grateful for your nutritious, calorific windfall.
three. A specialist cum rag
Yeah, totally a thing.
Hit-and-miss comedy rockers Tenacious D still sell them on their online merchandise stall.
My just gripe is that it makes you expect a a bit endeavour-hard, similar the bloke who brings his own puddle cue to the pub.
That, and you lot kind of requite the game away when you peg it out on the line.
2. Your ain article of clothing
Repeat later me: 'There is nothing wrong with ejaculating into my own dirty clothing.'
You're going to wash it anyhow.
So information technology'due south costless, and totally carbon neutral.
Socks literally couldn't exist amend designed as makeshift jizz receptacles.
Only trumped by…
i. Your partner's wearing apparel
It's hot, shut up.
You should definitely get their consent though.
Pro tip: steer clear of posh dryclean-but clothes. Not worth the aggro.
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Source: https://metro.co.uk/2018/05/09/a-definitive-ranking-of-post-masturbation-cleanup-techniques-7529236/
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